Denver, Colorado

Some things I wrote while waiting for 3rd plane in 30 hours at LAX:

October 21st 2011 14:27

Being back in the USA. Some things that I've noticed: Strip malls, everyone speaks English, 12 lane highways, everything is efficient, not nearly as much waiting, rush-rush. Everyone is in a hurry. All the signs are in English. When people speak to me I don't respond quickly because my brain no longer has to work to translate what they are saying, so instead my brain is trying to remember English. The restriciveness that my shoes are causing is quite uncomfortable. Chairs. I would rather sit on the floor. I want to take my shoes off. TV, which was once my only companion at times, now is so complex and loud. I can't stand it, yet it is so routine, set in the depths of my brain, to turn it on first thing that that is still what I do. Black people. Mexicans. The food. Something I thought I was craving is now tasteless. I want the spices of Thai food back and am in fact craving Burmese food, the rice, the potatoes and even cabbage. Fat people. The scare factor in LAX at immigration. "All officers, please be aware we have a code blue alpha back five in progress, I repeat, all officers, we have a blah blah blah blah...." Fast food. Tipping.

Going through all my clothes last night that I had left at my mom's house, overwhelmed, thinking, "why do I have so much stuff?" Glad that I don't have to go buy more clothes, simply replace the old worn out tee shirts with my own belongings. That's convenient. My car. Why do I have this huge hunk of metal and plastic that I am paying $300 a month for? I am paying for this huge machine to just sit there, until I come back. I want to sell it. I want to make money and use the money to live in Thailand for longer.

Oh how quiet it is. And how isolated I feel. So lonely without my kids. As much as they bothered me at times, I'd still take their nuisance before this isolation and silence. I try to explain what it is like living there, the culture I live with, no one understands though. I try to explain the sex trafficking industry of Bangkok and people still want to go there to get a girl. Because the problem is just too big to solve. Ignorance. Trying to talk to people about Burma who don't even know Burma is a country. Showing people pictures of my life in Thailand, yet they are uninterested.

I just want to take off my shoes. Unfortunately this would be inappropriate in the sanitized and sterilized environment that is LAX.

So it has taken a few days to adjust to being back here. Physically I am doing alright, still fighting this cold/flu/dengue fever, but I sleep at night and am awake during the day, so that's a plus. Mentally it's been rough. Trying to place myself in a place that is no longer my home with people that don't get to come back with me is very difficult. I knew coming back here would be hard, and it has been, but for different reasons than I thought. I feel like every day that I live in a developed country makes it so much harder to go back to a developing one. But some things from Thailand have faithfully stuck with me. Like I still have to resist the urge to take my laundry into the shower with me to clean it, or to take off my shoes outside instead of inside, or pick up my bowl/plate while eating, or throw toilet paper in the trash. I wai when I say thank you and shake hands/use my right hand with my left arm tucked into my right arm and people look at me strangely. I am amazed, truly amazed at the material wealth that surrounds me and nearly lost it in the Boulder Target last night. Granted I was in Boulder where it is a whole different world, so not only do I have to go through American culture shock, I have to also go through the culture shock of being in Boulder, Colorado. I saw a woman wearing those stupid shoes that look like feet, eating a granola bar, in Target. I don't know why, but I felt like I was going mad. Why in the hell are you wearing those ridiculous shoes? Why are you being incredibly rude by eating a granola bar in a store? Boulder people are so... righteous.

There is also the whole Occupy Wall Street movement that is going on right now. I think it is really great that people are actually doing something, but it seems a little direction-less. The ten or so people left in the park in front of the capitol may in fact have lived there before the movement started. The governor of Colorado has restricted people from spending the night there, as is probably for the best as it is now a good 12 degrees farenheit out there now. But I am sure that's not why he kicked them out. I don't see that this protest is having any effect on our government whatsoever. At least none that the media is portraying, so that isn't saying much.

The weather, as per Colorado usual, has gone from a wonderful 80 degrees on Monday to a not so wonderful 12 degrees tonight. It snowed 2 or 3 inches last night and today and I am realizing that I really cannot handle the schizophrenic weather here anymore. It messes with me. If you know me, you know I am not a huge fan of the outdoor world on a nice, warm, sunny day, much less the outdoor world on a cold, grey and snowy day. I hate driving in this, I have never enjoyed it, and after living in Thailand, I hate it even more. I am sorry Colorado, you've been ever so kind to me, but I don't think I can live with your mood swings any longer.

Like I said before, I knew coming back would be hard, but it also had to be done. I had to end a relationship that in fact ended in March but love and other things got in the way, until now. It has been very, incredibly, painful to go through this, but I am glad that I was able to do it, in person. I have also experienced the most love I have felt in a long time in the form of friends and family and co-workers. Coming home made me realize how many people I have rooting for me, and that gives me the courage to go back and face the challenges that Thailand brings. One of my friends let me borrow her car for the week, my other friends let me stay at their house for the week, my Uncle gave me money to buy clothes that dry faster, my ex co-workers gave me about 30 pounds of food and soap and bug spray and toothbrushes to take back with me, my father and his partner have provided me a home away from home, my step dad gave me transportation, my brother gave me a little piece of sanity as I sat in complete discombobulation upon my return from Thailand, my sister provided me reassurance over the phone (from her ship in the middle of the ocean), my good friend from Ouray kicked my ass into gear via Skype, another good friend from high school gave me his couch to sleep on at a moment's notice, Planned Parenthood volunteers gave me not one, but two "female anatomical structures" to donate to my village to provide education to midwives, and I am sure I am forgetting people who have made this trip beautiful and who have provided me with the emotional support I need and value so, so much.

I am such a lucky human being. I am so grateful, so humbled, so honored to be in the position I am in and to have the people that I do to support me.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.