Sangkhlaburi, Thailand

So sorry for the prolonged post. Life has been crazy in so many ways for the last couple of weeks and it has taken a while to try and sort everything out in my head and try to successfully get it onto paper, or a blog in this case.

I guess I started having doubts about whether or not I could stay in Sangkhlaburi when I got a roommate. My only private space was completely invaded with no plans for any change. As in, the Didi did not have anywhere else to put this other volunteer and so we were going to have to live together for an undetermined amount of time. Maybe that wouldn't be so bad if I didn't live in the childrens home and I could go out to a main living area to get away from my roommate, but as it was, and still is, every time I am not in my room, or hidden in any way, I get completely bombarded with kids wanting something, demanding something. As much as I'd like to think that I am a selfless human being who can tolerate anything, that's just not reality, and I need my space.

So, as I said previously, I ended up getting my own room again. There was a bit of drama in making it happen which ended up with me in tears and running off in a fit, but it happened. The problem is is that I was completely duped into thinking that this new room would be better. It is 1/4 the size of my old room, smells of rot and mold, is filled with spiders, and has no internet. I do have more privacy now, which I guess is more important for my sanity, but internet was also good for my sanity. Oh well, mai pen lai.

So after spending one night in the new room I was sent to Bangkok for one week. I had a really great time there and I think being there amplified the problems I've been having at the home. Also the freedom I felt while in BKK was incredible, as was being able to take a hot shower and sleep in a real bed and eat something besides rice and potatoes. Working directly with Didi and the children made me realize how important communication is, and the lack of communication here is not only frustrating but challenging for the kids too. It is hard not to go into details, but basically I had the responsibility of three children under the age of 6 in a city where I don't speak the language and had to try to figure everything out on my own. No one had made appointments for the kids prior to leaving, and even in Thailand just showing up to see a doctor without an appointment is not ideal. And trying to do so without speaking Thai is even worse. So the whole trip was a huge waste of time and money, for the kids. Not only did they not get to see the appropriate doctors, they sat around the house all day without a single thing to do. Last Monday the child with thalassemia got very sick and I ended up having to take her to the ER to have a blood transfusion. If we had stayed in Sangkhlaburi she would have gone to her appointment as scheduled and gotten the transfusion here as scheduled, and would have saved a lot of money and trauma. The kid got transfused in the waiting room for Christ's sake.

Anyway. Coming back from Bangkok I started to think more about my life here and whether or not I could continue to do this work, with this organization, living in these conditions. It would be challenging for anyone I am sure, but for sensitive Ani, it's like an onslaught. It was very nice to see the kids, though, and to have them run up to me and hug me like they missed me. Only two or three children did this, but still, it makes me feel like I do have an impact here.

After talking with other volunteers and hearing the same complaints that I have been feeling, like the children not having any respect and no effort being made to teach them respect, I thought about coming home. I had booked a plane ticket to go back to LA in early September, with the intent to stay for two weeks, get energized and come back to Thailand with renewed vigor and strength. But recently I have been thinking about going home and not coming back to Thailand.

It is a very difficult decision to make, and I keep hoping that I can just keep putting it off until life decides for me, but so far that hasn't been the case. When I went to talk to the doctor about me leaving, we sat and talked for over an hour about what things can be done to change my unhappiness here, she validated my feelings of frustration towards the way the organization is run, and said that I still have a lot of work to do here, for myself, before giving up. She asked me if I would regret leaving here so soon. Yes, I would regret it. Because it has only been 2 months and I feel like I have barely scratched the surface of all that I can do here. It is incredibly frustrating though, the way things work so slowly here, getting anything to happen is like watching molasses drip from a tree, but slower. Also I am having to take matters into my own hands, contact people I don't know, offer up my services to organizations that don't trust foreigners, and basically take charge. Which I have never liked to do, but I suppose now is as good a time as any to start.

I don't necessarily believe in fate, but I do think that things happen for a reason. I am here for a reason, and while I did make the choice to come here I think life has to teach me a few more things before I leave. When I ask people what to do they say, "follow your heart". Honestly my heart does not want to leave. My brain on the other hand...

On another note: Thank you so much for all the donations I have received. I can't tell you all how much this means to me, but just to give you an idea: $50 will buy 100 kilos of rice, or 220 pounds, which will feed a family of five for up to two months. Putting a roof on someone's house costs 1,000 baht, or $33. With the money I have received I will be able to pay for relief work for an entire village of people for one month, plus put a roof on someone's home!!

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!

So, for all who don't know, I have decided to stay in Thailand. I will go home as planned for 2 weeks, but then I will return here, my other home. Once I made that decision everything else started to fall into place. I was offered a house to rent for $63 per month, I got into contact with the woman who runs the Safe House in Huaymalai, and I am meeting more people, making new friends.

Today we made the long, hot trek to Three Pagodas Pass so the care mothers could buy beans for our relief work. I bought the beans, or rather, everyone who donated money bought the beans. We bought 50kg of beans, each family gets 1kg, so we will feed 50 families! Next we will buy the rice. We need to get the rice from Bangkok, which means we need a car, which we don't have right now. So Mark is talking about going to Bangkok to rent a car, buy the rice (again, with the donation money) and bring it back here so that we can do our relief run before I go home.

It is so exciting to see these things being set into motion. I am so grateful to have the friends and family that I do, and the villagers will be even more grateful.

The Safe House is a house with about 40-50 people who live there who have nowhere else to go. There are women who range from alcoholic to schizophrenic, and then there are elderly people with no family, and then there are terminally ill patients with AIDS or cancer. I was recruited due to my expertise in end of life care, and I find it funny that no matter how hard I try to get away from hospice, it always seems to find me. I am not sure exactly what I will be doing, end of life care here in the jungle is definitely not what it is in the states. I guess I can just be a presence, holding hands, singing songs. Whatever I will be doing will be better than sitting on my large behind in the clinic at BU doing nothing. And perhaps this will be a way for me to meet other people and make more contacts.

I know I had talked about going to the clinic in Japanese Well one day a week, but that seems to have fallen through the cracks. I haven't been too persistent about it though, so it is partially my fault. But as soon as I get back from my trip I plan on putting myself out there full force. There has got to be organizations out there who need an RN who is willing to help... right? Although I find myself in the same situation as back home: no experience and too young. I don't have the experience to work in the jungle because I've never worked in the jungle before. Malaria, dengue, leprosy, TB... these are all still foreign to me, not to mention the various skin diseases that pop up everywhere. People just don't understand that the only way I will learn is to learn. How can I learn if you don't give me a chance? It is incredibly frustrating, and it always will be. I wonder if people will still think I am "too young" when I am 50.

Mai Pen Lai.

I've also been trying to enjoy the little things that this beautiful life brings me on a day to day basis. Like giving music to my medic and then hearing him play the songs to his friends. The same song (Rolling in the Deep by Adele) that I cried my eyes out to in the parking lot of Target after having a panic attack about coming to Thailand is being played by this new person, this incredible person, here, in Thailand. Oh how life changes. It brought tears to my eyes as I thought about where I was then, a mere 3 months ago, and where I am now. I can finally say that I made the right decision in coming here.

Last night my friend and I sat at the meditation room, a big circular porch thing with a roof that overlooks the lake on all sides, it's incredibly beautiful, and we talked, and talked, and talked. Four hours went by and I still wanted to hear more. He told me about his family, about his life in Burma, about his life here, about what we can do to help these people more, about what he wants to do and who he wants to be. I think those four hours may have been the best since I have been here.

It is also incredibly frustrating to want so badly to be a part of something that I will never be a part of. This culture, that of the Burmese and Karen mainly, is a beautiful one. The culture is what I am falling in love with, but I know I can never be a part of it. I will forever be the white farang. The outsider. I could live here my whole life and still never be Burmese. It makes me sad that we lack this kind of culture in America. Or at least I did. And it really isn't something that I can explain. More of a feeling. A feeling of love and support, coupled with rituals and celebrations. Love and affection is what I see here, in the deepest sense, and I feel that that is missing in my home in America.

Anyway. I could go on forever about my love for this place, but words just cannot describe my feelings, as usual. You will all just have to come here and see with your own eyes. I am sure that you too will fall in love.

Love,
Ani

Just a quick note to once again say THANK YOU to everyone who donated money. The relief run was a huge success and another run is planned for next week.

With your money we were able to buy: 850kg of rice, 50kg of beans, 6kg of milk, and a thermos.

You all are amazing. Thank you.