Sangkhlaburi, Thailand

Every time I leave Sangkla I get sad. I miss the people, the food, the familiarity, the kids, my job, my bed, everything. This time it hit me hard, sitting alone on a beach in Cambodia, wanting nothing more than to share that with someone or to just go back to where I knew felt comfortable. I was homesick for a place I wasn't sure was home.

But now I am sure. I am back and so happy to be here. My Saw came back one week ago, after much persistence from me and one of the care mothers. He said he didn't want to come back, but here he is. And here we are again, just like old days, like these past three months never happened. Like I haven't been sitting around waiting for him, counting down the moments... (I haven't really). But it is so nice to pick up where we left off. I missed him so much. I missed having a friend, an ally, someone who is smarter than me when it comes to tropical medicine, someone who I can count on and turn to when I don't know the answer. Someone who can teach me the things I do not know and who is willing to learn the others. He has made my day.

All the mushiness and happiness aside, I still wake up in a panic. I had two weeks off of the morning panics, and the first day back they start again. I honestly do not know the source. I wake up and feel down, really sad, and kind of scared. The thoughts that come into my head are about work, whether Didi and I will get along today, when I will see my Thai boyfriend again, what the hell am I going to do when I have to wake up in the states again? Then the cramps start. They are in my belly and don't stop until I drag myself out of bed and into the shower where the cold water shocks both emotion and physical pain out of my body. The rest of the day goes along great, I am endlessly smiling and happy with my kids, the care mothers, and the relief work. So why then do the panics come?

I think it has to be someone tied to the fact that every day that I wake up means one more day closer to me having to go home. And if I think too much about going home the panics become worse and then I get physically ill.

So I do my best not to think about it. Go with the flow and enjoy every little moment I have here.

And go to Burma.

Yes, I am finally making the trip :) I will leave Baan Unrak in April and travel around Burma for 3 weeks. Then I will come back to Thailand and see the north for maybe a week or two. Then I have to go home for reals. I am really excited about Burma. All the changes that are happening are making it a good place to travel to right now, and it still hasn't been touched by too many tourists. Which, after seeing Cambodia and feeling like I could have been anywhere else in the world, I am craving. I hope to learn enough Burmese in the next month to get me around, but I know that many people there speak English. It will be interesting.

There is more to write, but for now I am going to go try and make a video for Taylor.

Love all :)

Monday, March 5th 2012, 21:55

Another year older. Time just keeps flying by at an astonishing rate, I don't ever have to wish things would just hurry up anymore. In the span of the one month or so that has passed since I last wrote a lot has happened. Firstly I decided for sure to go to Myanmar with my roommate Libby. We bought our plane tickets the other day and made it official! We leave Bangkok on April 10th and return on May 1st. It will be a very interesting and intense time to be going to Burma as it will be the hottest season, the season with the biggest water festival in the world, and elections are being held on April 1st, so we get to witness the aftermath of those. Politically it is a very good time to go, things are changing for the better it seems, Daw Aung San Suu Kyi posters hang everywhere, 2 years ago one could have possibly been imprisoned for that kind of behavior. The country is on the brink of a huge cultural and economic change, I am lucky to be able to witness it first hand.

I turned 27 a few days ago and with that came the annual round of anxieties in regards to what the hell am I doing with my life. But my birthday itself was nothing but pure gorgeous. Being hugged and sang happy birthday by 140 kids, care mothers and fellow volunteers, and even a Didi, brought tears to my eyes on several occasions through the day. We decided to have teen girls night that evening at our house which involved 23 girls aged 12-18 sitting on our living room floor. First we did the usual meditation, five minutes of singing "Baba Nam Kevalam" to various rhythms, then sitting silently for another 5 minutes. Then Cat showed them how to do Reike, and Setske showed us all how to do hand massages. It was beautiful, all the girls were silent and relaxed, yet focused and throughly enjoying themselves. Then we all got into a U shape and lined up to give each other neck massages. Then Adele came onto the iPod and you could hear the laughter for miles I am sure as the chorus came up and each and every one of us sang at the top of our lungs: "Rolling in the deeeeeeeeep, he had my heart inside of his hands and he played it, he played it, he played it to the beat!" And Setske the band leader shouted "now lean back!" "ROLLLIN IN THE DEEEEEEEPPPPP" "NOW LEAN LEFT!!!" "HE HAD MY HEART!!!" "NOW FORWARD!!!" Like I said, pure gorgeous.

After the girls made me several crayoned birthday cards, put blue eyeshadow and whitening power on my face, they scampered off back home. I then collected my motorbike and came home to more hand made gifts from my roommates, two watercolor cards that are amazing and beautiful and will always remind me of my home here.

It was a beautiful day and a beautiful night. I even got a cake. When I was told I had to make a wish and blow out the candle my mind went blank. What more could I honestly wish for? I am happy, beyond happy, healthy, and surrounded by amazing human beings in an amazing country, and I have the energies of my family and friends back home to help carry me forward. I wished for nothing for the first time ever and it was the best feeling I have ever had. Contentedness.... I had always wished I could be content, and in that moment, I truly was.

Before Ani's birthday celebrations were several Mon celebrations however. Though one night did end in tradgedy for an entire community. Monday the 27th was Abbha's wedding. She is one of the older children of Didi. She got engaged two weeks prior to her wedding date (try pulling that one off back home ladies!) She even had invitations printed and food planned for hundreds of people. Mon weddings are very different, as I imagine are Thai weddings, and Karen weddings. The couple kneeled in front of the town elders in between the groom's mother on satin pink pillows taken from the "honeymoon room". There was a bowl of water which was used to dip the couple's hands in by the parents. Didi was in the mother's place next to Abbha's real father. There was also a bowl of cash, 1000 baht bills that were presented after the bride was banded with gold bracelets and rings. Then they were lead to the bedroom, with everyone in tow. A strange teasing dance ensued that I could not understand and money was exchanged until finally the couple was allowed into the bedroom only to find two old ladies sleeping under the frilly pink satin sheets. Then guests were invited in to take pictures with the couple on the bed. Then it was meal time. Plates full of fish and pork and other unidentifiable meat products were presented. I was led to a place at the table with a bowl of white rice and helped myself to the least of the offensive looking dishes. I have learned that in Asia is it one of the rudest things you can do to reject food that is being offered to you. So I ate happily. But ended up paying for it in the form of a stern look from the Didi's who are strict vegetarian/vegans. I would have been rude to refuse the food from Abbha's family, but I was still rude to eat the meat in front of Didi. Oh quite the conundrum. But no matter, I had to leave and return to work anyway.

That night was the start of the Mon festival. They put on a HUGE party every year to celebrate the monk that founded the Mon side of town. It was block after block after block of stalls, games, food, rides, clothing, fish eating dead skin from your feet.... anything you could imagine basking in the glow of the famous golden chedi. It became very hectic at the end when we lost 14 of the 15 boys we had brought due to a famous band coming on stage and the whole area being swallowed by screaming 12 year old girls. I unwillingly dove through the crowd several times to try to find our boys, which may in fact be more difficult than finding a needle in a haystack... try finding a brown eyed, black haired boy in a crowd of brown eyed, black haired boys of the same age and height. My way didn't work, but luckily theirs did. Falongs stand out far better than they do, so we just held our ground until they found us. Eventually we made it home all accounted for and in one piece more or less.

The event was also planned for the next night except this time we were bringing younger kids, around age 8 and 9. Thirty of them to be exact, with six volunteers. I was nervous, but have faith. As we were about to reach the Mon side the truck stopped and pulled a U turn. Mark got out and said there is a huge fire at the festival and we couldn't go. Driving back we saw huge plumes of smoke coming from the site of the fair, and flames licking at the dry trees and bamboo structures that line the temples. It was terrifying. If things at the home hadn't been running late as usual, if the birthday party had gone on at 5 instead of 6 like planned, we would have been caught in the middle of that fire. And it kept getting bigger and bigger. We watched from Didi's house helplessly and the flames spread down the hill towards the bamboo homes. Didi said that my medic and I should go and see if we could help. So he and I hopped on a motorbike, neither of us with the ability to speak Thai, and decided to head to Saikama's house, the Mon nurse who would no doubt give us instruction, in English and/or Burmese. But we were turned around half way there by some out of the blue organized Thai authorities. What? They actually had a road block up and were deterring people from going? This level of professionalism is the most I have seen while living here. Such a simple thing.... yet it amazes me.

We awoke the next morning to find that 36 long standing shops had burned completely to the ground. One hundred million baht in damages, but luckily, not one injury or death. However, 36 families have lost their entire livelihood. I went there yesterday to see what was left and nothing remained, not one beam or deranged piece of metal. It was as if these shops had never been there. Yet they were the cornerstone of the area for so many years. So many years of hard work and energy, poof, gone in a split second.

And you know what is even more astounding? The party went on. The same night of the fire in fact. After people realized that no harm had been done to the fair itself, well, Mai Pen Lai. Move the ef on. Party continues, as does life. And it did, in full swing, for the rest of the week.

If I bring only one lesson home from Thailand it will be this: Move the ef on. No time to dilly dally on the particulars, no time to worry about the past or the future. Just keep living.

I can't believe this adventure will soon be over. Less than two months to go now. I am tired. Ready to sleep in a comfortable bed and eat some good food. But really, the things I miss most about the states are trivial. A bed, a shower, a stove, a washer and dryer. I don't really need those things, and life still works very well without them.

Yesterday my roommate left and my other roommate and I had a nice time making quite the scene at the bus station. The tears were mostly for ourselves, because we will be seeing Libby soon. But it means that the time here is coming to a close, the trio of Baan Falong is no more, and the saddest part: it will never be again. The past eight months of my life have been the best eight months of my life, I can say that without a second of hesitation. So why can't it continue? Why does it have to end? Why do we all have to move on and go our separate ways? It just sucks. A lot.

I think about the kids and what they will be like as they get older, how I would like so much to watch them grow. I wish I didn't have to do it at a distance. I wish I could tell everyone I am coming back here for sure in 3 months. The truth is, I don't know if I can work with the doctor any longer. Today a girl came in with a cut toe and the doctor told her to give the wound love, to take joy from her heart and it will heal. I wanted to tell her to ef off and let me put a bandaid on the goddam cut. But, slowly, I am letting her back in to the kids care. I have taken over for the last six months at least, the control freak that I am, and really for the children's own benefit. But now I am going and she is the one who will have to take care of them and I just have to try to trust that she can do it. Of course with my medic's help. Without him.... well the place would be a nightmare. He told me yesterday that if I don't come back in August that he would leave too. He says he can't do this alone. I know the feeling. I did it alone for too long and I can see how tired I am now that he is here and I can breathe again.

Anyway, it is about 100 degrees out and the heat is wearing on me. I will write more later.

Ani

I thought I had known pain before, but there is no pain like saying goodbye to children whom you've grown to love like your own. The sadness is sitting on my chest like a weight and I can't lift it. Even the knowledge that I will be back here, some day, to see them grow, does not lessen this pain.

These children, their smiles, their broken hearts and shaven heads, to them it's just another volunteer leaving. For me, it's like I am leaving 140 pieces of my heart in Sangkhlaburi Thailand. I don't know how parents do it... How my own mother and father let me leave for months at a time as a child.

I have learned so much. More than any school or program or test could teach me. These past nine months have been the most trying and incredible of my life. I am not ready for it to end.

shit this hurts. Too much to write now. Sorry folks for the delay, maybe soon, when the sun is shining and I'm adjusting to my new home, I can tell you of these past 3 months of my life.

Goodbye until then.